Monday, January 5, 2015

The Complex Brain Mechanics of a Writer who Happens to be a Closet Eater

I had a most eventful holiday season from Thanksgiving through New Year’s Day. Most of those events involved eating because…well, because I’m a shameful diehard foodie. Some of those events included other people, while some included only me, myself and I, a/k/a Daisy the closet eater.

Screaming Saltlick Eyeball - by Super Earthling

I work fulltime as a writer from my office at home…

Screaming Saltlick Eyeball - by Super Earthling

…which means I have easy access to the kitchen...and pantry…and fridge…and freezer. So when I’m in the midst of working really, really, really hard on my current manuscript, sometimes I need industrial-strength fortification. Such fortification is often in the form of chocolate or other sweets.

During the holidays I allow myself to keep a tasty supply of my favorite treats in the house and frequently…um, I mean on rare occasions, find myself in the pantry opening packages of sugary goodness and ingesting the contents before exiting the confines of said pantry.

Screaming Saltlick Eyeball - by Super Earthling

You see…chocolate nurtures the cells of a writer’s brain, thereby imbuing said writerly brain with a constant bathing of creative juices. So, depending on the particular manuscript dilemma, my brain sometimes requires inordinate amounts of sweets to get me through my writing task.

I’m sure you can see that this makes perfect sense and in no way indicates that I am hopelessly chocolate-obsessed.

Of course, there are those times a writer requires something savory. Something crunchy and salty. This usually occurs when the writer is working really, really, really hard creating scenes featuring the antagonist…you know, like the size double-zero, filthy-rich, underhanded, scheming 20-something woman who’s set on destroying the nice, average-size, over 30, honest, paycheck-to-paycheck heroine who totally doesn’t deserve humiliation and annihilation at the hands of said antagonist just because the heroine might finish not only her fries but the fries off the hero’s plate as well.

Screaming Saltlick Eyeball - by Super Earthling

Unfortunately, I encountered a most serious, truly heinous, unintentional food-related self-injury the last time I felt the need to consume savory snacks white penning a heart wrenching scene featuring a bony-assed antagonist.

Screaming Saltlick Eyeball - by Super Earthling

It was an admittedly stupid predicament, especially because it happened twice, but my resulting pain and suffering proves beyond the shadow of a doubt how immensely dedicated I am to my writing career.

The first traumatizing occurrence happened at dinner while I was blissfully enjoying some of my delicious homemade tacos. I’m a great cook who’s also a foodaholic, therefore this delicious meal should have been a time of tremendous pleasure and heartfelt elation. But instead…

Screaming Saltlick Eyeball - by Super Earthling

Yes. Yes, it was just as horrid as you can possibly imagine. Have you ever heard your eyeball scream? Trust me, it’s not a pretty sound. I was deeply chagrined, to say the least. The good news is that I rubbed my eyes before I went to the bathroom to pee. And thank God for that because there’s no way in hell I was about to draw a scorched vagina.

My chipotle chagrin created more agony than most human beings endure in a lifetime…so you’d think, wouldn’t you, that I deserved a break after suffering such eye-blistering angst.

Ha!

Later that night as I relaxed in front of the TV, whining both internally and externally about how unfair life is and how I’ve had waaay more than my share of chagrin to deal with, I decided to soothe my flaming eyeball torment. Like any card-carrying foodaholic worth their salt, I chose to ease my pain by turning to comfort food.

Screaming Saltlick Eyeball - by Super Earthling

Oh my God, oh my God…OH MY GOD!!!

The sensation of salt seeping into my already chipotle-wounded eyeballs created such soul-searing pain that I could never begin to explain the deep, dark, torturous level of my chagrin. Yes, I really was that stupid. And I have the scorched, salty eyeballs to prove it.

I want you to know I’m not posting about these duo eyeball tragedies because I’m looking for pity. Oh no, no, no. The only reason I’m revealing what happened is because I’m a deeply altruistic, hugely responsible and caring adult, whose only interest is the benefit and wellbeing of mankind…and bloggerkind. My only concern is that you never, EVER find yourself in this same predicament so please learn from my foolish mistakes.

Sadly, my food-related torment didn’t end there. Due to my diligence, my determination to write, proof and edit…due to my poor overtaxed writerly brain’s need to be habitually nourished while I worked tirelessly during the holidays, I also endured the shame and humiliation of this:

Screaming Saltlick Eyeball - by Super Earthling

Oh hell…who am I trying to kid? My real holiday-food-stuffed self doesn’t look anywhere near as cute as that. Here’s the real, gritty reality…the harsh undeniable truth…the sad, pitiful proof of me packing all those goodies into my chipmunk cheeks since the end of November:

Screaming Saltlick Eyeball - by Super Earthling

So now I, the usually happy, peppy, chipper Daisy a/k/a Super Earthling a/k/a closet eater extraordinaire, am depressed, puffy, bloated and worried sick that I won’t be able to fit into any of my clothes when we go on our scheduled cruise this April. Yeah, I know diet experts say you shouldn’t go on a diet to lose weight for an event…you should do it to improve your health—to pledge yourself to a new, healthier way of eating for the rest of your life. Blah, blah, blah…

But, you see, I’m not a smart, savvy, skinny diet expert. I’m a normal, ordinary, plus-sized chocoholic, foodaholic writer who desperately NEEDS to have a valid reason for putting myself through three upcoming months of dietary torture. If you’re a seasoned dieter you understand. If not…there’s simply nothing I can say to make you understand.

So like any over-experienced dieter, last night I did what was necessary to get my new diet off to a good start:

Screaming Saltlick Eyeball - by Super Earthling

And this morning I have dutifully started eating like this:

Screaming Saltlick Eyeball - by Super Earthling

And I’ve started to do lots of this:

Screaming Saltlick Eyeball - by Super Earthling

While I’m sure no explanation is necessary because it’s perfectly clear that I’m dancing to brain music in the above picture, I’ll elucidate for those few who may be wondering. Brain music an excellent form of exercise. Since I usually find listening to music too distracting while I write, I create my own accompanying music in my head. You know, like soundtracks to my books. And then I dance to it. Alone in my kitchen…making tippity-tap sounds on my kitchen floor. :) The more I dance, the more my brain jiggles, adding a pleasant clanking accompaniment to my brain-created tune.

Aw, come on, admit it. You all do the same thing. Right?

Right?

(cricket…cricket)

Anyway…by the time the middle of April rolls around and I’ve been eating spotlessly and exercising religiously (not in the biblical sense…I mean in the brain music sense, which bears little resemblance to anything in the old or new testament other than I feel entirely angelic when I don’t cheat on my diet), I will end up lean, healthy, and looking like one super-hot dynamite writer all set for her vacation. Just like this:

Screaming Saltlick Eyeball - by Super Earthling

# # #

Hey, I have a terrific idea! Since I’m forced…um, I mean about to happily embark upon yet another diet, why not do it with me? I even have the cutest little book ever called, Hide! It’s the Diet Police! that you might enjoy reading to get you in the mood. I’ll tell you about it (just like a public service announcement):

Over the decades I’ve received many wonderful reviews for my work but there’s one reviewer's comment in particular that I’ve found especially rewarding: “If Dave Barry, Erma Bombeck and Nora Ephron could somehow have a love child, it would be Daisy Dexter Dobbs.” I’ve heard variations of this from other reviewers and readers as well so I guess it’s safe to say that if you enjoy the works of those humorists (and the posts here on my blog), chances are you’ll enjoy mine too.

In each volume of my “The Crazy Woman Inside Me” series of humorous essays, you’ll find ample humor drawn from everyday life…my life to be exact. The latest volume, Hide! It’s the Diet Police! was both fun and painful to write because in these diet and weight-loss-themed essays I brutally expose some of my most shameful diet-related faults.

Hide! It’s the Diet Police! - by Daisy Dexter Dobbs

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00RJFQBUW/

Before we get to the book’s actual blurb, there’s one important thing you need to know. If you’re expecting this little volume to help you shed all your excess weight and reach your ultimate diet goal, all I have to say is: Hahahahahahahahaha…deep breath…hahahahahahahahaha! :D

About my newest release: Hide! It’s the Diet Police!
(Available as a Kindle exclusive for just 99-cents)

In the introduction, “It’s All About Perception,” Daisy delves into the sordid facts behind her lifelong love affair with food, years of resulting yoyo dieting, and the pivotal role laughter has played throughout.

“Plus Size Women and the Horror of Public Bathrooms,” tells of a cringe-worthy scenario, all too familiar to many woman. “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” introduces us to the shameful, cunning traits of Daisy’s dieter personality, as she attempts to deceive The Diet Police. Her scheming ways continue in “Done in by Compassion and Understanding.”

“Angering the Gods of Chocolate” verifies that Daisy’s a diehard chocoholic who’ll stop at nothing to answer the siren call of her favorite food group, while “Satan and the Cheesecake Incident” examines supernatural forces at work to sabotage her diet. She’s even had to deal with “The Rare and Sudden Phenomenon of Volcanic Geothermal-based Clothing Shrinkage” on her weight-loss journey.

A clever method to trick the scale is revealed in “The Dastardly Horrors of Water Retention,” and “If Only I Could Yank Out those Dental Fillings” enlightens us about proper preparation for a weekly weigh-in. By the end, we are in complete awe of the author’s near super-human endeavor to control the ever-changing number on her scale.

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00RJFQBUW/

# # #

Wishing you all a happy, healthy New Year full of love, laughter, lots of great reading…and, most important of all—happy, successful dieting!

--Daisy Dexter Dobbs a/k/a Super Earthling…roger wilco, over and out

Keep up to date with Daisy’s book news on her Facebook page!

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

A Merry Celebration of Christmas Books

Marching Home is book 1 of the Golden Times series. Since book 2, The Harold Angel, debuted on December 15, I wanted to celebrate its release by offering readers a special Amazon Kindle Countdown price on the first book of the series. So between December 15 and 22, you can purchase Marching Home at the special holiday price of just 99-cents (regularly $2.99)!

Marching Home - by Daisy Dexter Dobbs

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00LXJVPE2/

Golden Times, book 1 (WWII romance/Christmas fantasy romance/women's fiction)

Clara knows better than to get mixed up with a serviceman during wartime. But she loses all rational thought when she meets Jimmy at the USO dance. The charming army private, in Chicago for a three-day leave, turns her world upside down.

The few precious days they share before he ships out on Christmas Eve are infused with more love, laughter and romance than most couples experience in a lifetime. Blissfully enveloped in a seventy-two hour whirlwind of discovery, passion and emotion, it soon becomes clear that their hearts and souls are entwined together forever.

Jimmy promises Clara he’ll come marching home to her. The magic of true love ensures that he’ll keep that vow.

# # #

The Harold Angel, book 2 of the Golden Times series, is now available for just $2.99! Here’s more about it:

The Harold Angel - by Daisy Dexter Dobbs

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00Q7MUYEC/

Golden Times, book 2 (Christmas/fantasy/women's fiction)

Christmas, Present Day: About to turn eighteen, Jamie Crumrine is having a difficult time at home. The oldest of four kids in a single-parent home, she feels overworked, misunderstood, and is tired of her mom treating her like a ten-year-old. Granted, things are much better since her abusive, alcoholic father took off and left the family one Christmas Eve but, still, Jamie is itching to get out on her own to avoid drowning in a sea of responsibility.

An assistant at Golden Times retirement center, the frustrated Jamie confides in Alma, one of her favorite residents, about her problems, setting a chain of events into action that will forever change Jamie’s life.

It all starts with the story of Harold, a remarkable little boy in the early 1960s, who endured more pain and trauma in his young life than any child should.

This is a story about a Christmas miracle that touches the lives of all who hear it.

Author’s Note: The Harold Angel is dedicated to the victims of child abuse—those who survived as well as those who did not. As a survivor, the subject matter of this book is especially close to my heart. I'm an eternally optimistic realist who believes in hope, possibilities, the power of belief, and happily-ever-afters, whether the story I'm writing is a romance or, as in this case, mainstream fiction. There were many frightening days as a child when I wasn't sure I'd live to see adulthood, but I never, ever lost the all-important power of belief…in myself as well as in something greater. While it's admittedly difficult to tell an uplifting holiday story that centers around abuse, that was my goal. I leave it up to you to decide whether or not I succeeded.

# # #

And for those of you who enjoy a good dose of laughter with your eggnog, Ho Ho Uh-oh… is volume 1 in my “The Crazy Woman Inside Me” series of humorous essays. This little book is available in Kindle edition for just 99-cents! Here’s more about it:

Ho Ho Uh-oh - by Daisy Dexter Dobbs

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00QJFEXN0/

Ho Ho Uh-oh… is the first volume in a continuing series of warm, funny and fun-filled essays. It becomes clear in the introduction, “Daisy the Closet Writer,” why the author chose to title this series The Crazy Woman Inside Me.

Life experience has taught Daisy that finding the humor in difficult situations, as well as ridiculous mishaps, generates healing laughter. In “This Should Have Been a Clue” she shares valuable lessons learned about the difference between men and women. “Dripping with Diamonds, Furs and…Pillows?” sheds further light on the complexities of marriage, while “Oh the Joy, the Anticipation…the Socks and Underwear!” proves there’s a valid reason for time-honored male stereotypes.

“The Premonition Dream and Supernatural Lottery Ticket” gives a glimpse into the inner workings of Daisy’s thought process…and it isn’t a pretty sight. In “When a Writer Needs a People Fix…” we discover the author, an admitted foodie, has a weakness for more than just giant tins of Christmas shortbread cookies.

Come along for the ride as the author revels in the humor of everyday life, and celebrates the wild, wonderful magic of Christmas.

# # #

A FAVOR: I hope you enjoy these three special holiday books! If you do, I'd be so very appreciative if you left a book review and/or rating on Amazon or your favorite review site to help other readers discover these stories too.

As a reader, you possess the power to influence the buying decisions of other readers. Your words and (hopefully) recommendation of these books can help bring attention to my writing so that others can discover my work. With so many books from so many writers available for sale, it can be difficult for an author to get her books noticed. So believe me when I tell you how very grateful I am to my readers for taking the time to leave an honest review or rating.

~ ~ ~

Finally, if you're in need of a ho-ho-holiday chuckle, my last blog post has all the necessary ingredients: Families…check. Insanity…check. Christmas…check. Total dysfunction…check. Holiday blog post…check. Be sure to check out “When Life Gives You Material…” It’s sure to become a holiday classic.

Wishing you the happiest of holidays!

--Daisy Dexter Dobbs a/k/a Super Earthling…roger wilco, over and out

Keep up to date with Daisy’s book news on her Facebook page!

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