Monday, November 17, 2014

Zombies, Vampires and the Walking Dead: Trapped in Eternal Puberty

While searching for material to create a new set of art cards, I came across a decades-old, outdated sex education manual for young people. As I paged through it, clipping snippets of text, I was gripped immediately by a disturbing question regarding the plight of pre-teen zombies, vampires and the walking dead:

When they turn, are they eternally trapped in a state of puberty? Think about it…endless puberty…could anything possibly be more horrendous? I think not.

So, just as any other normal person would do under the circumstances, I got busy drawing a poignant series of undead preteens and paired them with clipped text from the sex education manual along with other odd bits of text I’ve snipped from old magazines and books. I’m presenting the resulting art cards here as a helpful teaching tool for both the prepubescent undead as well as adults who need guidance about this crucial subject. Let me start with a definition:

Puberty: The stage in the development of humans and other primates marked by the development of secondary sex characteristics, including menarche in females. In humans, puberty occurs at the onset of adolescence, causing individuals to become physiologically capable of sexual reproduction.

Clearly there’s been a grievous omission in the above definition. Yes, humans and primates are affected, but what about vampires and zombies? Just because the walking dead may be in a state of continual rotting, with limbs cracking off and dropping here and there as they drag themselves around, doesn’t mean they don’t deserve our pity, compassion, attention, and guidance.

Poor Little Walking Dead Adolescents - by Super Earthling

As any adult can attest, puberty can be traumatic; even more so if you’re undead and on the continual verge of an adulthood that, cruelly, never arrives. Since their undead parents are, no doubt, concerned with little more than searching for their next cannibalistic snack, who can these poor adolescents turn to? Who will answer their inevitable “birds and bees” questions? Can you seriously tell me you’re willing to turn your back on these poor, decaying juveniles? After all, it’s not their fault they’re undead now, is it?

Poor Little Walking Dead Adolescents - by Super Earthling

I ask you…is that not heart wrenching?

Poor Little Walking Dead Adolescents - by Super Earthling

As a prolific, bestselling writer I could easily claim to be too busy crafting happily-ever-after romance stories to take the time or trouble to be a humanitarian, but I’m just not built that way. That, dear readers, is how I, Daisy Dexter Dobbs, became Super Earthling. In my ongoing quest to serve humanity, the alive and thriving as well as the undead, I hereby pledge to counsel every single vampire and zombie adolescent with whom I come in contact.

The guidelines I’ve developed here are compassionate, reassuring, comforting and, of course, technically accurate.

Ever altruistic, I’ve decided to post my art card guide here so that you too can do your part, the next time you find yourself in the company of the prepubescent undead. Granted, some of the descriptions are graphic and disturbing, but I find it’s necessary to give these poor rotting creatures a crash course in what happens to their bodies…before the body parts in question fall off.

Poor Little Walking Dead Adolescents - by Super Earthling

Poor Little Walking Dead Adolescents - by Super Earthling

Poor Little Walking Dead Adolescents - by Super Earthling

Poor Little Walking Dead Adolescents - by Super Earthling

Poor Little Walking Dead Adolescents - by Super Earthling

Poor Little Walking Dead Adolescents - by Super Earthling

Poor Little Walking Dead Adolescents - by Super Earthling

Poor Little Walking Dead Adolescents - by Super Earthling

Finally, with teen pregnancy often being glorified these days, I took my responsibility seriously when it came to detailing the gritty truth about what happens to females during the birthing process…

Poor Little Walking Dead Adolescents - by Super Earthling

That fact is enough to warn any female, regardless of age, dead or alive, away from naked hanky-panky because the results of careless poking around can result in something akin to a watermelon passing through a hole the size of a piece of elbow macaroni.

Won’t you join me in my quest to educate these poor young people about their changing bodies? Remember, it’s not their fault that they’re vampires or zombies, so please don’t shun them if you see them on the street snacking on one of your neighbors. Never forget…compassion is key.

Poor Little Walking Dead Adolescents - by Super Earthling

Today you learned the importance of sympathy and understanding when it comes to those less fortunate, and you learned how to skillfully address the often sensitive subject of puberty--even though you may be drained of blood or eaten by a grateful student should things go terribly awry.

With sincere gratitude for doing your part,

--Daisy Dexter Dobbs a/k/a Super Earthling…roger wilco, over and out

NOTE: If this post brought a smile to your day, please SHARE it and help spread the word to everyone on the planet about Daisy and Super Earthling. Thanks!

(Keep up to date with Daisy’s book news on her Facebook page!)

Daisy Dexter Dobbs book covers

Saturday, September 20, 2014

Thank You for Not Discriminating Against Yaxilangahans

As I’ve mentioned previously, I’m not only an internationally famous writer and revered da Vinci-esque artist, I’m also Super Earthling. The average person, of course, has no inkling just what this entails. Being an exceptionally important individual, I have numerous significant responsibilities, including hosting visitors from other planets. Over the years I’ve come to know some of them quite well. You may remember a recent incident that I refer to as Daisy’s Dinner with Eegore, during which I narrowly escaped with my life.

Today I’d like to touch on the ugly topic of discrimination against interplanetary aliens. My sincere hope is that you, dear readers, will come to accept and, yes, perhaps even love the sweet and rather naive inhabitants of the planet Yaxilangah. When my little pink Yaxilangahan friend Gogee Grapula visited recently, she shared her observations and experiences involving interactions with Earthlings. The ways of Earth are understandably strange to Yaxilangahans, frequently resulting in spontaneous laughter, frustration and occasional fits of outrage.

To help enlighten you to some of the issues that confound our alien friends, as well as offering you some little known information about the customs of her people, here’s part of what Gogee shared with me on her last visit…

Gogee Grapula from the Planet Yaxilangah - by Super Earthling

Gogee Grapula from the Planet Yaxilangah - by Super Earthling

Gogee Grapula from the Planet Yaxilangah - by Super Earthling

Gogee Grapula from the Planet Yaxilangah - by Super Earthling

Gogee Grapula from the Planet Yaxilangah - by Super Earthling

Gogee Grapula from the Planet Yaxilangah - by Super Earthling

Gogee Grapula from the Planet Yaxilangah - by Super Earthling

Gogee Grapula from the Planet Yaxilangah - by Super Earthling

Gogee Grapula from the Planet Yaxilangah - by Super Earthling

Gogee Grapula from the Planet Yaxilangah - by Super Earthling

I believe it’s clear from this post of intergalactic importance promoting planetary alliance and comradery, that Yaxilangahans are more than worthy of our acceptance and understanding. Please keep an open mind about aliens. If nothing else, I sincerely hope you’ll remember never to skimp on saliva when serving soup to a Yaxilangahan, and to show them the flushing box if there’s a lull in the conversation. Thank you most sincerely for not discriminating against Yaxilangahans.

NOTE: If this post brought a smile to your day, please share it and help spread the word to everyone on the planet about Daisy and Super Earthling. Thanks!

--Daisy Dexter Dobbs a/k/a Super Earthling…roger wilco, over and out

(Keep up to date with Daisy’s book news on her Facebook page!)

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