Sunday, July 20, 2014

Daisy’s Dinner with Eegore

My newest book, Marching Home, has just released! (Just click on the Daisy’s Books link at the top of this blog to learn more.) It’s a WWII-era military romance novella (which makes it a 20th century historical), and it’s available for the miniscule sum of just $2,99! It’s a sentimental love story touched by magic. I always get excited when one of my books gets published, but this time I’m more excited than usual. You see, aside from writing, editing and getting ready to promote the new book, I was also busy escaping from aliens.

Unlike other writers and artists who are wives and moms, I also have additional duties as the one and only Super Earthling. As you can imagine, that entails many important responsibilities, including interaction with visitors from other planets. I’ve come to know some of them quite well and will report about my visits with them in future posts. Today I’ll be sharing my recent experience with Eegore (also known as Eddie) from the planet Kalanga-Bang.

My alien friend is an important dignitary on his planet. While the name Eegore is one of respect and distinction on Kalanga-Bang, unfortunately it bears similarity to the Earthly name Igor, which Earthlings connect with ugly hunchbacked laboratory helpers. So when he’s visiting our planet, Eegore likes to go by the name Eddie. Like numerous aliens, Eegore is a shape-shifter. This is how he looks as Eddie. The woman in the photo is his friend Irgrag (also from the planet Kalanga-Bang), who goes by Irma on Earth.

Daisy’s Dinner with Eegore - by Super Earthling

Don’t you just want to pinch their rosy little old-people cheeks? It’s truly a clever disguise, especially for a real charmer like Eegore. He’s always going on about how much he loves people. And the guy really has a way with words, often telling me how deliciously sweet I am.

Anyway, this is how Eegore normally looks (Irgrag/Irma looks pretty much the same, except she has longer eyelashes and wears purple eye shadow and fuchsia lipstick):

Daisy’s Dinner with Eegore - by Super Earthling

Either way, he’s really adorable, isn’t he? Even huggable. Such kind eyes and a warm, sincere smile. Sadly, Earthlings might freak out if they saw a green creature with fangs and a horn growing out the top of his head walking the streets, so Eegore usually morphs into “Eddie” when he visits our planet. The one place he can roam around in his true alien form is here in Portland, Oregon, where our town’s motto is Keep Portland Weird (Have you seen Portlandia on TV? They capture Portlanders perfectly.). Nobody here even bats an eye when they see Eegore in his full green naked glory sitting at a local coffeehouse.

I’ve had the good fortune to visit with Eegore several times. Each of our visits was in a public place. You can imagine my delight when Eegore honored me with a dinner invitation to his private residence.

Daisy’s Dinner with Eegore - by Super Earthling

I was so excited! Naturally, I decided to wear my formal Super Earthling attire in honor of the momentous occasion. I had the costume made specially to hide any unsightly rolls, and I made sure to have a secret inside pocket to keep chocolate handy for emergencies.

Daisy’s Dinner with Eegore - by Super Earthling

Since Eegore spends a lot of time here on Earth, it’s necessary for him to earn money so he can afford a place to live and the necessities. When we chatted on the phone he explained his latest financial venture--his very own brand of paper dolls! Eegore feels it’s important for Earthling children to spend less time watching TV and playing videogames and get back to good old fashioned fun. He was kind enough to include a sample of his fabulous new “Fun with Eegore” paper dolls. He posed for the doll himself. Isn’t he handsome?

Daisy’s Dinner with Eegore - by Super Earthling

Granted, his bloodthirsty hunchback and homicidal accessories may seem somewhat gory, but Eegore figured he had to do something a bit off the wall to capture the interest of today’s zombie, vampire and monster obsessed kids. Since Eegore is such a kind, gentle soul, it made me chuckle to see all the murderous implements he included. It reminds me of The Three Stooges and all their good, clean, but often misunderstood fun. *nyuk, nyuk, nyuk*

When I got to Eegore’s house, which was decorated in bright, happy shades of pink (his favorite color), his lovely friend Irgrag was busy in the kitchen, preparing dinner. I offered to help, of course, but she pushed me out of the kitchen, insisting that I just relax and enjoy myself. When I spotted the gigantic roasting pan I laughed and jokingly asked if we were having roast elephant for dinner. Irgrag just smiled politely. Before she got back to work she took this photo of me and Eegore so he can add it to his photo gallery.

Daisy’s Dinner with Eegore - by Super Earthling

Complimentary as ever, Eegore told me how deliciously sweet I looked. I confessed I was worried that my costume made me look fat, but he assured me I looked just right. He doesn’t understand the obsession of Earth women forever dieting to be scrawny. He said he likes plenty of meat on a woman. Then he pinched my cheek and winked.

My eyes just about popped out of my head when Eegore led me to the dining room. True to his word, dessert was served first and the table was covered with a multitude of chocolate goodness.

Daisy’s Dinner with Eegore - by Super Earthling

“We have to fatten you up,” Eegore told me with a smile, “and make you even sweeter than you already are. Eat to your heart’s content.” I gladly obliged because it would be terribly rude not to. As I stuffed my face, heading for a chocolate coma, I noticed Eegore and Irgrag hardly ate anything. They just sipped from their champagne, smiling as they watched me pig out.

“We’re saving our appetite for the main course,” Irgrag told me when I asked. “Has Eegore mentioned how thrilled we are to have you for dinner? We just love people so much. Having them over for breakfast, lunch or dinner is one of our greatest joys.” She gave a gleeful little shrug. “Don’t be shy now…eat up, my dear, eat up.”

Striving to be the perfect dinner guest, I happily complied.

Daisy’s Dinner with Eegore - by Super Earthling

I made an absolute pig of myself--but what true chocoholic could possibly do otherwise when presented with a smorgasbord of all you can eat chocolate? Regrettably, my formalwear jeans had a zipper and snap closure rather than having a nice sensible elastic waistband. The denim was cutting onto my belly. I was about to burst at the seams. Since I couldn’t start unsnapping and unzipping at the dinner table, I asked if they could direct me to the powder room. “Third door on the left,” Eegore directed.

I excused myself from the table and headed down the hall where I mistakenly entered the door on the right instead of the left. Just as I realized my mistake and was about to leave, a sign caught my eye.

Daisy’s Dinner with Eegore - by Super Earthling

I laughed softly when I read the words. Eegore was a brilliant creature but, understandably, our difficult English language still gave him trouble. Not usually one to snoop, I started backing out of the room when I spotted a glint of light. Feeling slightly guilty, I turned on a desk lamp in the darkened room and came face to face with this:

Daisy’s Dinner with Eegore - by Super Earthling

It…it seemed to still be alive…

Daisy’s Dinner with Eegore - by Super Earthling

My gaze jerked left to a framed photo on the wall…

Daisy’s Dinner with Eegore - by Super Earthling

The noose…it was just like the one in the Fun with Eegore paper dolls!

And just next to that…

Daisy’s Dinner with Eegore - by Super Earthling

Daisy’s Dinner with Eegore - by Super Earthling

I shifted my gaze to the right…

Daisy’s Dinner with Eegore - by Super Earthling

Dear God, it was the spammy Scott writer who called me a ho on Twitter (I’ll share that story with you another time)! After I’d told Eegore about my unpleasant experience with him I never heard from the Scott again. The man just *poof* disappeared. Once again, an implement from Eegore’s paper dolls was inserted into the photo.

Daisy’s Dinner with Eegore - by Super Earthling

Just above the picture of Rufus was a large framed photo of Eegore.

Daisy’s Dinner with Eegore - by Super Earthling

I shuddered, uncomfortably reminded of an episode from the Twilight Zone called “To Serve Man.”

Above that ghastly photograph, I *gasp* saw this framed item:

Daisy’s Dinner with Eegore - by Super Earthling

Daisy’s Dinner with Eegore - by Super Earthling

It was me! Oh my God, I was the elephant they were roasting for dinner!

“Oh Super Earthling,” Eegore called in a singsong tone from the dining room, startling me. “I hope everything is all right, my dear. Irgrag and I are positively salivating at the prospect of dinner. All we need now is you!”

Frozen in my tracks and unable to tear my gaze from the placeholder for my photo, I somehow managed to croak out, “Yes, I’ll be right there, Eegore.”

A moment later, I swear I shot out of that gallery of horrors like a bat out of hell. I went into the bathroom and closed and locked the door. I stared at my reflection and made ridiculous, nonsensical bargains with God, you know, things like promising I’d never touch chocolate ever again, or watch any more reality TV, if only He’d get me out of there alive. Then I saw the window…

Daisy’s Dinner with Eegore - by Super Earthling

It wasn’t easy getting my elephantine, weighed-down-by-chocolate, circus-fat-lady body out of that little window. As I squeezed my big butt through the tiny opening I felt like poor little Gretel who, along with her brother Hansel, was fed goodies by the wicked witch to fatten them up.

Daisy’s Dinner with Eegore - by Super Earthling

Luckily my cape gave me enough protection to glide down the two-story drop to safety. I rushed home and didn’t even bother taking off my formalwear costume before climbing into bed and pulling the covers over my head. I thanked God for saving me and, guilt-ridden, I apologized in advance for not keeping my earlier vows of abstinence from chocolate and reality TV. I could almost hear God’s Sharpie marker putting a big black checkmark next to my name.

Daisy’s Dinner with Eegore - by Super Earthling

I learned from this experience that aliens are sometimes very much like humans. They might look kind and sincere. They may be very nice to your face; maybe they lavish you with compliments, get you to believe they really like you, make you trust them…but when it comes right down to it, you have to be on your guard because they’ll gut you like a flopping fish and gobble your still pulsing entrails if the opportunity arises.

As for Eegore and Irgrag, we had a nice chat the next day and they apologized for planning to fill their bellies with me. They’re not really as bad as you might think. Sure, they eat people, but it’s not like they’re cannibals, because they don’t eat their own kind. I’ve forgiven their gruesome intentions because it’s simply their nature. It’s what they’re used to doing. To them, there’s nothing wrong with chowing down on humans.

It’s kind of like me and chocolate. I mean what if chocolate had feelings? And, for that matter, how do we know it doesn’t? Maybe there are tiny little chocolate molecules of emotion inside each piece of candy. If we could hear them, maybe they’d say something like this:

Daisy’s Dinner with Eegore - by Super Earthling

I want you to think of this the next time you’re about to feed your face with chocolate. Ask yourself what you would do if you knew chocolate had feelings.

I know what I’d do…

Daisy’s Dinner with Eegore - by Super Earthling

--Super Earthling…roger wilco, over and out

(NOTE: If you enjoyed this, PLEASE go forth, gleefully spreading the word by sharing, tweeting, facebooking, emailing, megaphoning, yelling from your back porch, and gossiping over coffee. :D Thank you!)

# # #

Wait! Before you go, may I tempt you with a few of my world famous books? :D

You can find lots of information, including full-chapter excerpts of each book on my DDD author website.

Marching Home is book 1 of my new Golden Times series (it’s just $2.99). It’s a 34,000-word novella that takes place during WWII in 1942. My beta readers and editor tell me it’s a beautiful love story. Here’s the Amazon Kindle link.

Marching Home by Daisy Dexter Dobbs

And here are the Amazon Book Links for the first 3 books in my Greek Delights series (they’re just $3.99 each):

Book 1: Exercising Her Options
Book 2: Chocolate Gratitude
Book 3: Darling Scarecrow

 Image designed and copyrighted by Daisy Dexter Dobbs 2014

Don’t have an amazon Kindle? No problem Just check the illustrated FAQ page on my website for links for free Kindle apps for your PC or cellphone!

As always, thanks so much for stopping by and reading my posts! :D

Monday, June 23, 2014

The Horrific Consequences of Cheating on Your Diet

It’s been a long while since I officially began a strict weight loss diet. During my hiatus from dieting, using the word DIET has apparently fallen out of vogue and become somewhat passé. Now you’re supposed to say you’re practicing a healthy way of eating or a lean and fit way of life or some other buzz word phrase like that.

Me? I tried all that non-diet-speak and, although I’ve been eating healthy, I didn’t drop the weight I need to lose. That’s because some of us need to be walloped over the head with a baseball ball instead of using politically correct diet terminology. So because sometimes one must be blatantly direct with oneself to get the message across, I’m declaring I’m on a diet, dammit.

Today (because it’s a Monday and that, of course, is when diehard dieters start diets) I’ve started the LAST, that’s right, the absolute FINAL weight loss program I’ll ever need.

Like any seasoned dieter, this past weekend I dutifully indulged in my normal course of events.

Horrific Consequences of Cheating on Your Diet - by Super Earthling

But that’s all over now. I promise.

I’ve blurted my weight-loss intentions all over the internet…to help keep me accountable. It probably wasn’t even necessary though because I’m absolutely 100% positive that I won’t cheat this time. Not even a teeny bit. You know why? Because something so horrific and spine tingling happened to me the last time I dieted that I learned my lesson.

I’ve been forever cured of being a chocoholic. Cured of having a torrid love affair with super-premium ice cream. Cured of being a lowdown candy and cookie sneaker. Cured of being a shameless dieter who stoops to fish chocolate fudge walnut brownies out of the trash, gobbling them down so fast that no one ever suspects. Cured, I tell you! Halleluiah!

Don’t believe me? You will. Here’s what happened to the old diet-cheating chocoholic Daisy…

Horrific Consequences of Cheating on Your Diet - by Super Earthling

Horrific Consequences of Cheating on Your Diet - by Super Earthling

Horrific Consequences of Cheating on Your Diet - by Super Earthling

Horrific Consequences of Cheating on Your Diet - by Super Earthling

Horrific Consequences of Cheating on Your Diet - by Super Earthling

Horrific Consequences of Cheating on Your Diet - by Super Earthling

Horrific Consequences of Cheating on Your Diet - by Super Earthling

Horrific Consequences of Cheating on Your Diet - by Super Earthling

Horrific Consequences of Cheating on Your Diet - by Super Earthling

Horrific Consequences of Cheating on Your Diet - by Super Earthling

Horrific Consequences of Cheating on Your Diet - by Super Earthling

Horrific Consequences of Cheating on Your Diet - by Super Earthling

Horrific Consequences of Cheating on Your Diet - by Super Earthling

Horrific Consequences of Cheating on Your Diet - by Super Earthling

Horrific Consequences of Cheating on Your Diet - by Super Earthling

Horrific Consequences of Cheating on Your Diet - by Super Earthling

Horrific Consequences of Cheating on Your Diet - by Super Earthling

Horrific Consequences of Cheating on Your Diet - by Super Earthling

So now I’m sure you see why I would never, EVER, dream of cheating on my diet again. You can check on my progress on my DDD Facebook page where I’ll be posting periodic updates about my totally 100% cheat-free diet: https://www.facebook.com/DaisyDexterDobbs

In this spine tingling tale, you’ve learned the vital importance of staying on your diet. The chilling incident above details merely one of the many possible pitfalls of being a lying, cheating, chocolate-obsessed dieter whose caloric transgressions are so deceitful and blatant they’re worthy of summoning Satan, Satan’s minions, and God into the same nightmare. The one good thing is you might get a holy teddy bear and a holy unicorn from God.

NOTE: If this post brought a smile to your day, PLEASE share it and help spread the word to everyone on the planet about Daisy’s Super Earthling blog. Thanks!

--Daisy Dexter Dobbs a/k/a Super Earthling…roger wilco, over and out

p.s. - All the cute little kid photos are me (the demon photos are not). :)

# # #

Interested in my world famous books? Of course you are! :D

I just posted a full chapter excerpt for my soon to be released 20th century historical romance, Marching Home, on my website.

Marching Home by Daisy Dexter Dobbs

Marching Home is book 1 of my new Golden Times series. It’s a 34,000-word novella that takes place during WWII in 1942. You can find Chapter One in its entirety here: http://daisydexterdobbs.com/excerpt-MH.html

While you’re eagerly awaiting that book’s release, you can scoop up my currently available books:

My Amazon Book Links for the first 3 books in my Greek Delights series:

Book 1: Exercising Her Options

Book 2: Chocolate Gratitude

Book 3: Darling Scarecrow

Don’t have an amazon Kindle? No problem Just check the illustrated FAQ page on my website for links for free Kindle apps for your PC or cellphone!

 Image designed and copyrighted by Daisy Dexter Dobbs 2014

As always, thanks so much for stopping by and reading my posts! :D

ShareThis