Saturday, September 20, 2014

Thank You for Not Discriminating Against Yaxilangahans

As I’ve mentioned previously, I’m not only an internationally famous writer and revered da Vinci-esque artist, I’m also Super Earthling. The average person, of course, has no inkling just what this entails. Being an exceptionally important individual, I have numerous significant responsibilities, including hosting visitors from other planets. Over the years I’ve come to know some of them quite well. You may remember a recent incident that I refer to as Daisy’s Dinner with Eegore, during which I narrowly escaped with my life.

Today I’d like to touch on the ugly topic of discrimination against interplanetary aliens. My sincere hope is that you, dear readers, will come to accept and, yes, perhaps even love the sweet and rather naive inhabitants of the planet Yaxilangah. When my little pink Yaxilangahan friend Gogee Grapula visited recently, she shared her observations and experiences involving interactions with Earthlings. The ways of Earth are understandably strange to Yaxilangahans, frequently resulting in spontaneous laughter, frustration and occasional fits of outrage.

To help enlighten you to some of the issues that confound our alien friends, as well as offering you some little known information about the customs of her people, here’s part of what Gogee shared with me on her last visit…

Gogee Grapula from the Planet Yaxilangah - by Super Earthling

Gogee Grapula from the Planet Yaxilangah - by Super Earthling

Gogee Grapula from the Planet Yaxilangah - by Super Earthling

Gogee Grapula from the Planet Yaxilangah - by Super Earthling

Gogee Grapula from the Planet Yaxilangah - by Super Earthling

Gogee Grapula from the Planet Yaxilangah - by Super Earthling

Gogee Grapula from the Planet Yaxilangah - by Super Earthling

Gogee Grapula from the Planet Yaxilangah - by Super Earthling

Gogee Grapula from the Planet Yaxilangah - by Super Earthling

Gogee Grapula from the Planet Yaxilangah - by Super Earthling

I believe it’s clear from this post of intergalactic importance promoting planetary alliance and comradery, that Yaxilangahans are more than worthy of our acceptance and understanding. Please keep an open mind about aliens. If nothing else, I sincerely hope you’ll remember never to skimp on saliva when serving soup to a Yaxilangahan, and to show them the flushing box if there’s a lull in the conversation. Thank you most sincerely for not discriminating against Yaxilangahans.

NOTE: If this post brought a smile to your day, please share it and help spread the word to everyone on the planet about Daisy and Super Earthling. Thanks!

--Daisy Dexter Dobbs a/k/a Super Earthling…roger wilco, over and out

(Keep up to date with Daisy’s book news on her Facebook page!)

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

How I Survived “The Beef Fat Incident” and Lived to Tell About It

Prepare yourself to be traumatized by a “beefy” story so catastrophic it will surely move you to tears. But in the end, you’ll come away from this experience wiser and more enlightened than you are at this moment.

I’ve learned it’s not easy for people who grew up in a happy, loving, sunshiny, joy and laughter-filled family environment to understand what it’s like growing up in a strongly dysfunctional family. (My “Insanity Gallops” post explains what I mean by strongly dysfunctional.)

I know this because, over the years, friends I’ve told about The Beef Fat Incident have asked if I perhaps exaggerated or creatively embellished the tale with an extra dab of dramatic flair to make it more interesting. Their questions were like a knife—the kind with a serrated edge—in my heart, making it difficult to express myself clearly as I responded to their suspicions. Exaggerating? Seriously? I think not.

The Beef Fat Incident - by Super Earthling

Little did my clueless friends know that

The Beef Fat Incident - by Super Earthling

Sadly, I realized these progenies of Leave it to Beaver-type families who looked at life through rose colored glasses, would never believe my heartrending tale of beef woe so I simply swallowed my emotions, becoming like Pagliacci, crying beef-fat-related tears on the inside while laughing on the outside.

The Beef Fat Incident - by Super Earthling

And now I’m going to share my twisted tale with you…because I feel certain you’ll understand…that you’ll have compassion and sympathy for the poor, sweet, adorable little girl (that would be me) who endured such a pitiful ordeal at a tender age. As the story unfolds, do keep in mind that,

The Beef Fat Incident - by Super Earthling

But since I write mostly comedy and not horror, and because I don’t want to give anyone bloody beef nightmares, I’ll leave the gritty truth to your imagination. It all started when I (innocent little Daisy, the future Super Earthling), sat at the kitchen table at dinnertime under the watchful eye of my stern, no-nonsense father as he served me the dinner he’d just *cough* cooked, for lack of a better word…

The Beef Fat Incident - by Super Earthling

poor little beef-hating Daisy said with a distinct shudder as she eyed the bloody, bulky mass of still pulsing flesh ringed with a greasy, juicy inch-thick strip of translucent white fat on her dinner plate. The sickly pool of deep red juices oozing from the not nearly dead enough piece of cow reminded her of a scene straight out of a horror movie.

The Beef Fat Incident - by Super Earthling

The Beef Fat Incident - by Super Earthling

The Beef Fat Incident - by Super Earthling

The Beef Fat Incident - by Super Earthling

Daisy’s ultra-rare-barely-cooked-beef-loving father said, spearing a glob of the gelatinous, greasy white stuff and aiming the fork at the mouth of his horrified daughter. It was difficult for her to focus as the expiring cow’s pitiful death rattle filled her ears.

The Beef Fat Incident - by Super Earthling

A true humanitarian in the making, Daisy considered her father’s words about the deprived children in China, offering what she believed to be a sound and reasonable proposition…a truly philanthropic suggestion…once her gag reflex had subsided.

The Beef Fat Incident - by Super Earthling

Neither amused nor a proponent of her kind, selfless, charitable idea, her beef-fat-adoring father spoke words to Daisy that gifted her with a small speck of hope.

The Beef Fat Incident - by Super Earthling

Daisy’s tiny child brain struggled in vain to come up with additional sarcasm so she could get the hell away from the table and the horrendous globule of shiny beef fat aimed at her mouth. But there was a problem…

The Beef Fat Incident - by Super Earthling

The Beef Fat Incident - by Super Earthling

Fortunately, the future writer’s burgeoning brainpower and first class wit helped little Daisy to form a brilliant plan…

The Beef Fat Incident - by Super Earthling

The Beef Fat Incident - by Super Earthling

The Beef Fat Incident - by Super Earthling

The Beef Fat Incident - by Super Earthling

The Beef Fat Incident - by Super Earthling

Perhaps, Daisy thought wisely, it was not the time for levity.

“You have no idea how good you have it,” her father admonished, turning the forkful of fat this way and that, salivating—yes, literally drooling, I tell you—as he admired the hideous congealing blob that had been savagely torn from the underside of the now mercifully dead cow’s hide.

The Beef Fat Incident - by Super Earthling

Having already endured more beef-related trauma than she thought one pint-sized human being could possibly bear, poor, dear little Daisy wasn’t prepared when her father’s next words caused her stressed out mind to implode.

The Beef Fat Incident - by Super Earthling

Horrified, speechless and forever traumatized by the heinous, gut-roiling visual her father had just verbally painted,

The Beef Fat Incident - by Super Earthling

affording her sadistic, heartless, beef-devoted father enough opportunity to deposit the congealing chunk of fat on the back of the unsuspecting youngster’s tongue…

The Beef Fat Incident - by Super Earthling

And it was then that the beyond distraught Daisy had her first

The Beef Fat Incident - by Super Earthling

The Beef Fat Incident - by Super Earthling

Much of what happened after that is a blur, except for Daisy’s chilling and distinct memory of her father’s dire warning that whatever she didn’t finish on her plate would be served to her the next morning for breakfast. Cold. Her father was indeed a man of his word. It is a true miracle that the mistreated child survived that gag-inducing breakfast to be able to be here today to share her chilling tale.

Understandably meat leery, over the years Daisy cautiously, s-l-o-w-l-y, ventured into beef territory with a sense of agonizing apprehension…always cognizant of the distant, ghostly mooing of cows she had haplessly ingested through no fault of her own.

The Beef Fat Incident - by Super Earthling

Born and raised in Chicago (you know, former home of the Union Stock Yards--the city known as the Hog Butcher to the World),

The Beef Fat Incident - by Super Earthling

Daisy grew up willingly eating White Castle sliders and Italian beef sandwiches. She discovered that beef (as long as it bore no resemblance whatsoever to the unsuspecting cow it once was), cooked well done and

The Beef Fat Incident - by Super Earthling

was not altogether a bad thing.

The valuable lesson Daisy learned? How to survive (mostly mentally intact) and thrive after suffering a blood-drenched, fat-smothered, undead mooing animal ordeal at the hands of a merciless authority figure.

As you have probably surmised, little Daisy grew up to become a writer. Today she is grateful for her dysfunctional childhood because it has clearly provided the writer with an abundance of deliciously twisted material.

The End

NOTE: If this post brought a smile to your day, please share it and help spread the word to everyone on the planet about Daisy and Super Earthling. Thanks!

--Daisy Dexter Dobbs a/k/a Super Earthling…roger wilco, over and out

(Keep up to date with Daisy on her Facebook page!)

# # #

About Daisy’s Books:
available from Amazon in Kindle format, and from All Romance eBookstore in mobi (Kindle), ePub (Nook), and PDF. (Nook from Barnes & Noble coming soon):

You can find lots of information, including full-chapter excerpts of each book on my DDD author website.

MARCHING HOME is book 1 of my Golden Times series (it’s just $2.99). This sentimental romance with a touch of magic takes place during WWII in 1942. Reader feedback has been fabulous, telling me it’s one of the most beautiful love stories they’ve read. Here’s the Amazon Kindle link and here’s the All Romance eBookstore link.

Marching Home by Daisy Dexter Dobbs

And here are the book purchase links for the first 3 books in my Greek Delights contemporary romance series (just $3.99 each):

Book 1 - EXERCISING HER OPTIONS: on Amazon and at ARe

Book 2 - CHOCOLATE GRATITUDE: on Amazon and at ARe

Book 3 - DARLING SCARECROW: on Amazon and at ARe

 Image designed and copyrighted by Daisy Dexter Dobbs 2014

As always, thanks so much for stopping by and reading my posts! :D

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