I want to be your Guardian Angel!
After scheduling my silly post about bestiality for publication, I happily went back to work on the drawings for my special “Super Earthling as Guardian Angel” post. It took forever to create the main drawing because of all the tiny, manic detail I added. I love doing detail work because I find it so therapeutic, almost hypnotizing. I used a combination of colored pencils and markers. Then I scanned in the illustration and touched it up digitally to make the details and colors more uniform and suitable for online viewing. Here’s the finished image:
I’m pleased with the way it turned out because it captures just how I feel about all the wonderful readers of my blog and my books, as well as everyone else who has touched my life in a positive way.
So there I was, hard at work on my Guardian Angel post, when something completely unexpected happened.
As result of my ”Let’s Talk About Bestiality” post with this ridiculous illustration referencing what might happen if Rock Hudson and Doris Day were still making romantic comedy movies today…
...I lost several followers on my blog, Twitter and Facebook. I was a little surprised but it didn’t really bother me. I’m a humor writer. I’m fully aware that humor is highly subjective, so I certainly don’t expect everyone to find what I write and draw to be funny, or even appealing. And that’s perfectly okay. I pretty much just laughed it off.
It was the three emails I received (the 3rd came in after I posted a humorous, illustrated update on my post, telling readers what had happened) from people who were aghast. They believed that by me drawing cute cartoons and making light of bestiality and BDSM, I was condoning and promoting these practices, and trying to make them seem normal and acceptable to my readers. Among other things...
Yes, the verdict was in. Apparently I’m on the fast track to Hell, because I created a cartoon that had naked people and animals together on a bed.
I pondered that for a while, thinking about any possible communication I may have had with Satan in the past that I’d somehow forgotten. There was only one incident that came to mind…
Naturally, I got scared. I mean, Oh my God…apparently I had inadvertently managed to endear myself to Beelzebub, thereby opening a channel of communication between me and the ruler of the underworld, and all because I had likened him to chocolate! How could I be such a dumbass?
Needless to say, I was deeply, deeply chagrined!
I thought about my wretched childhood and how I used to be this poor, lost, decrepit, bloodthirsty little zombie-vampire child who roamed the streets as my limbs rotted and fell off while I was in search of my…
Okay…at that point I’ll admit I may have been hallucinating…and perhaps exaggerating just a little about my childhood. I mean, it was dysfunctional, but I never actually had a thirst for blood. In fact, the very idea was ludicrous because I HATED anything bloody on my plate. So as…
…I realized I didn’t have to hallucinate to come up with stress-inducing incidents because there are enough scary real life events that happened. I decided it would be a really good idea for me to find a way to calm myself down quickly because I was rapidly approaching meltdown!
Just as if a light bulb had suddenly flashed on inside my tiny brain, I knew immediately what I needed to do to restore my previous state of calm and sanity and the good, kind charitable Guardian Angel-like feelings that flowed freely inside my head before I learned that I’d pissed off a whole bunch of people who said I’m going to hell even though my post didn’t even include any bad words like fuck, fucker, motherfucker, penis, or vagina, or anything even remotely like that, and certainly not in reference to animals having vaginas or penises, or to the mixing of animal vaginas and penises with human ones--which told me that perhaps I should consider using more expletives and body part terms in future posts just as extra insurance to keep those judgmental emailing people far away from my blog.
Intent on restoring a positive frame of mind, I hurried to my closet and got into my official superhero Super Earthling costume!
I felt something fearsome going on deep inside…
It was like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, but without the movie cameras. I tried with all my might to resist, but I was powerless to keep the happiness from draining out of me. Before I knew it, I’d become…
My insides roiled. Light became dark. Joy became sorrow. Happiness deteriorated into anger. Then, astonishingly, I began to embrace, enjoy, even celebrate the new, unfamiliar sensations! Oh no!!!!!
If only it would have stopped there. Soon I found myself twisting, curling, growling, and going through...
When it was all over, I had morphed into this!
The moment I opened my mouth in my new darkside incarnation as Super Badass, this just came spewing out!
Dear God in Heaven, I enjoyed it! I liked it! I LOVED it! I felt strange powers and desires coursing through my veins...
At that exact moment, it happened...that’s when the Devil knocked on my door.
I didn’t realize it was the Devil at first because he was The Devil in Disguise...The Devil in a Blue Dress...and I had no idea The Devil Wears Prada.
“Oh my God!” I said, clapping my hands against my cheeks.
“Try again,” the Devil said with a snicker.
“What are you doing here?” I asked, my voice tiny and trembling.
“You summoned me.”
I gasped. “I most certainly did not. You can’t come in. I haven’t invited you.”
“Oh puhleeze,” he said, “this isn’t a vampire movie. I can do whatever I damn well please.” He stepped over my threshold.
I swallowed the lump of fear lodged at the back of my throat. “Go away, Satan. I don’t want you here.” I took a step back.
“We both know that’s not true,” he said with an impatient sigh as his claws jetted out, preventing me from slamming the door in his face. “Look at you. You’ve totally embraced the darkside.” A mirror popped into his hand and he turned it my way.
*Gasp* He was right...the Devil was right! The horrific realization of the monster I had become immediately propelled me into a reverse morphing sequence...
“No, no, that’s not really me. I’m not bad or evil. I’m a good person who just became momentarily confused because my feelings were hurt.”
“Blah, blah, blah, that’s what they all say.” The Devil moved his thumb and fingers like a mouth opening and closing. “Look, I’m a busy entity. I have places to go, souls to condemn, beings to torture. The limo’s waiting. Let’s go.”
“Limo?” I asked feebly, peeking around his shoulder.
This time he rolled his eyes. “Ah yes, I forgot. You’re a comedian. You seem to enjoy telling people you’ll be going to Hell in a handbasket or a doggie bag.” He lifted an eyebrow and glared at me. “That’s ludicrous, you know. But if that’s your final Earthly wish, I suppose I can--”
“No! My wish is to stay here. I don’t want to go to Hell. Seriously, I’m not good with heat. I almost didn’t make it when I took a trip to Florida that one August, remember?”
“Besides,” I continued, “I’m right in the middle of my special Guardian Angel post.” I showed him my angel drawing.
“How ironic,” he said, smirking. With the touch of his finger, he set my drawing aflame.
I was terrified. I had to find a way out of this. I thought about my Insanity Gallops post, where I told about joy and laughter being lifesavers for me as a kid. I remembered that I always did my best to look for even the smallest shreds of happiness and humor in every situation.
Like when I was a kid. I was really afraid of my dad but, as you can see in this old photo, I managed to find the silver lining; the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow; the sunshine instead of clouds…
Somehow I just had to find a silver lining before the Devil whisked me away to Hell.
And I thought about the people who sent me those emails and tried really, really, really hard to find something positive in the situation because...
The lessons I learned from those unkind emails were truly positive. I learned I must never define myself by anyone else’s terms, or try to live down to their expectations of mediocrity. I must never allow narrow-minded people to make me feel as small as they are. And I must remember that, while I can’t control the actions of others, I always have the power of choice and can choose how I will react to any given situation. I choose to rise above.
As soon as I focused on gratitude instead of fear, hurt feelings, or anger, I felt something magical inside. Something told me to look down at my shoes. I noticed they seemed to sparkle.
My instinct was to click my heels together, so I did.
As I did, I thought about the wicked witch in The Wizard of Oz and how Dorothy annihilated her by throwing water on her and making her melt.
Yes! Maybe that was the answer! I raced to the kitchen, filled a container with water, rushed back and dumped it on the Devil! “Take that, Satan!” I yelled triumphantly.
I was more than a little chagrined to discover it hadn’t worked and all I’d really managed to do was to piss off Satan big time because I’d soaked his pricey designer dress.
With hellfire in his eyes, the Devil reached out for me, and...
*POOF!* I looked around and the Devil wasn’t there anymore. He was gone! And I wasn’t in my official Super Earthling costume anymore...I was in my nightgown. It had all been a dream...just like that one entire season on Dallas! The Devil had never been at my door after all!
Well...at least I hope it was all a dream.
Then it was like I heard angel voices, telling me everything was going to be okay, and I was safe and that I should think about the special presents that I’d received from God after the time I’d cheated on my diet and had a super scary nightmare because of it.
I rolled over in bed, grabbed my holy teddy bear and holy unicorn, cuddled them close, and fell fast asleep.
The next morning over coffee I browsed the comments on my blog and checked my email. I thought about how fortunate I am to have so many more wonderful, positive readers than the handful of negative ones. Thank you for all the encouraging, supportive, very kind comments you left on ”Let’s Talk About Bestiality” post, and for all the wonderful emails you sent me. I feel like the luckiest blogger on the planet!
Thank you also for reading my blog posts and taking the time to let me know something I’ve created has brought a smile to your day. I appreciate you more than you’ll ever know!
--Super Earthling…roger wilco, over and out
If you enjoyed this post, please share it!