My alien friend is an important dignitary on his planet. While the name Eegore is one of respect and distinction on Kalanga-Bang, unfortunately it bears similarity to the Earthly name Igor, which Earthlings connect with ugly hunchbacked laboratory helpers. So when he’s visiting our planet, Eegore likes to go by the name Eddie. Like many aliens, Eegore is a shape-shifter. This is how he looks as Eddie. The woman in the photo is his friend Irgrag (also from the planet Kalanga-Bang), who goes by Irma on Earth.
Don’t you just want to pinch their rosy little old-people cheeks? It’s truly a clever disguise, especially for a real charmer like Eegore. He’s always going on about how much he loves people. And the guy really has a way with words, often telling me how deliciously sweet I am. Anyway, this is how Eegore normally looks (Irgrag/Irma looks pretty much the same, except she has longer eyelashes and wears purple eye shadow and fuchsia lipstick):
Either way, he’s really adorable, isn’t he? Even huggable. Such kind eyes and a warm, sincere smile. Sadly, Earthlings might freak out if they saw a green creature with fangs and a horn growing out the top of his head walking the streets, so Eegore usually morphs into “Eddie” when he visits our planet. The one place he can roam around in his true alien form is here in Portland, where our town’s motto is Keep Portland Weird. Nobody even bats an eye when they see Eegore in his full green naked glory sitting at a local coffeehouse.
I’ve had the good fortune to visit with Eegore several times. Each of our visits was in a public place. You can imagine my delight when Eegore honored me with a dinner invitation to his private residence.
I was so excited! Naturally, I decided to wear my formal Super Earthling attire in honor of the momentous occasion. I had the costume made specially to hide any unsightly rolls, and I made sure to have a secret inside pocket to keep chocolate handy for emergencies.
Since Eegore spends a lot of time here on Earth, it’s necessary for him to earn money so he can afford a place to live and the necessities. When we chatted on the phone he explained his latest financial venture--his very own brand of paper dolls! Eegore feels it’s important for Earthling children to spend less time watching TV and playing video games and get back to good old fashioned fun. He was kind enough to include a sample of his fabulous new “Fun with Eegore” paper dolls. He posed for the doll himself. Isn’t he handsome?
Granted, his bloodthirsty hunchback and homicidal accessories may seem kind of gory, but Eegore figured he had to do something a bit off the wall to capture the interest of today’s zombie, vampire and monster obsessed kids. Since Eegore is such a kind, gentle soul, it made me chuckle to see all the murderous implements he included. It reminds me of The Three Stooges and all their good, clean, but often misunderstood fun. *nyuk, nyuk, nyuk*
When I got to Eegore’s house, which was decorated in bright, happy shades of pink (his favorite color), his friend Irgrag was busy in the kitchen, preparing dinner. I offered to help, of course, but she pushed me out of the kitchen, insisting that I just relax and enjoy myself. When I spotted the gigantic roasting pan I laughed and jokingly asked if we were having roast elephant for dinner. Irgrag just smiled politely. Before she got back to work she took this photo of me and Eegore so he can add it to his photo gallery.
Complimentary as ever, Eegore told me how deliciously sweet I looked. I confessed I was worried that my costume made me look fat, but he assured me I looked just right. He doesn’t understand the obsession of Earth women forever dieting to be scrawny. He said he likes plenty of meat on a woman. Then he pinched my cheek and winked.
My eyes just about popped out of my head when Eegore led me to the dining room. True to his word, dessert was served first and the table was covered with a multitude of chocolate goodness.
“We have to fatten you up,” Eegore told me with a smile, “and make you even sweeter than you already are. Eat to your heart’s content.” I gladly obliged because it would be really rude not to. As I stuffed my face, heading for a chocolate coma, I noticed Eegore and Irgrag hardly ate anything. They were just sipping from their champagne, smiling as they watched me pig out.
“We’re saving our appetite for the main course,” Irgrag told me when I asked. “Has Eegore mentioned how thrilled we are to have you for dinner? We just love people so much. Having them over for breakfast, lunch or dinner is one of our greatest joys.” She gave a gleeful little shrug. “Don’t be shy now…eat up, my dear, eat up.”
Striving to be the perfect dinner guest, I complied.
I made an absolute pig of myself--but what true chocoholic could possibly do otherwise when presented with a smorgasbord of all you can eat chocolate? Regrettably, my formalwear jeans had a zipper and snap closure rather than having a nice sensible elastic waist. The denim was cutting onto my belly. I was about to burst at the seams. Since I couldn’t start unsnapping and unzipping at the dinner table, I asked if they could direct me to the powder room. Third door on the left, Eegore said.
I excused myself from the table and headed down the hall where I mistakenly entered the door on the right instead of the left. Just as I realized my mistake and was about to leave, a sign caught my eye.
I laughed softly when I read the words. Eegore was a brilliant creature but, understandably, the English language still gave him trouble. Not usually one to snoop, I started to back out of the room when I spotted a glint of light. Feeling slightly guilty, I turned on a desk lamp in the darkened room and came face to face with this:
It…it seemed to still be alive…
My gaze went left to a framed photo on the wall…
The noose…it was just like the one in the Fun with Eegore paper dolls!
And just next to that…
I gazed to the right…
Dear God, it was the spammy Scott writer who called me a ho on Twitter! After I’d told Eegore about my unpleasant experience with him I never heard from the Scott again. The man just *poof* disappeared. Once again, an implement from Eegore’s paper dolls was inserted into the photo.
Just above the picture of Rufus was a large framed photo of Eegore.
I shuddered, uncomfortably reminded of an episode from the Twilight Zone called “To Serve Man.”
Above that ghastly photograph, I *gasp* saw this framed item:
It was me! Oh my God, I was the elephant they were roasting for dinner!
“Oh Super Earthling,” Eegore called from the dining room, startling me. “I hope everything is all right, my dear. Irgrag and I are positively salivating at the prospect of dinner. All we need now is you!”
Frozen in my tracks and unable to shift my gaze from the placeholder for my photo, I somehow managed to croak out, “Yes, I’ll be right there, Eegore.”
A moment later, I swear I shot out of that gallery of horrors like a bat out of hell. I went into the bathroom and closed and locked the door. I stared at my reflection and made ridiculous, nonsensical bargains with God, you know, things like promising I’d never touch chocolate ever again, or watch any more reality TV, if only he’d get me out of there alive. Then I saw the window…
It wasn’t easy getting my elephantine, weighed-down-by-chocolate, circus-fat-lady body out of that little window. As I squeezed my big butt through the tiny opening I felt like poor little Gretel who, along with her brother Hansel, was fed goodies by the wicked witch to fatten them up.
Luckily my cape gave me enough protection to glide down the two-story drop to safety. I rushed home and didn’t even bother taking off my formalwear costume before climbing into bed and pulling the covers over my head. I thanked God for saving me and, guilt ridden, I apologized in advance for not keeping my earlier vows of abstinence from chocolate and reality TV. I could almost hear God’s Sharpie marker putting a big black checkmark next to my name.
I learned from this experience that aliens are sometimes very much like people. They might look kind and sincere. They may be very nice to your face, maybe they lavish you with compliments, get you to believe they really like you, make you trust them…but when it comes right down to it, you have to be on your guard because they’ll gut you like a flopping fish and gobble your still pulsing entrails if the opportunity arises.
As for Eegore and Irgrag, we had a nice chat the next day and they apologized for planning to fill their bellies with me. They’re not really as bad as you might think. Sure, they eat people, but it’s not like they’re cannibals, because they don’t eat their own kind. I’ve forgiven their gruesome intentions because it’s simply their nature. It’s what they’re used to doing. To them, there’s nothing wrong with chowing down on humans.
It’s kind of like me and chocolate. I mean what if chocolate had feelings? And, for that matter, how do we know it doesn’t? Maybe there are tiny little chocolate molecules of emotion inside each piece of candy. If we could hear them, maybe they’d say something like this:
I want you to think of this the next time you’re about to feed your face with chocolate. Ask yourself what you would do if you knew chocolate had feelings.
I know what I’d do…
--Super Earthling…roger wilco, over and out
(NOTE: If you enjoyed this, PLEASE go forth, gleefully spreading the word by sharing, tweeting, facebooking, emailing, megaphoning, yelling from your back porch, and gossiping over coffee. :D Thank you!)