I’m a research junkie. During one of my recent scientific investigations, I made an amazing discovery that will alter the universe as we know it. Approximately 93.87% of all human beings are affected by this.
I’ve tested positive for ProG, which explains so much. This heinous genetic disorder has wreaked havoc throughout my tiny brain, causing my mind to operate in a peculiar manner. Medical technicians were able to capture images of my ProG during brain scans. Here’s one of them:
Being ProG-positive interferes with everything from the simplest tasks to my fulltime career as an artist and writer. For instance, here I am blogging when I have a romance novel to finish writing. ProG doesn’t care that I’m not supposed to be blogging or tweeting or Facebooking or G-+ing or doing anything else that involves being online or having social interaction with cyberbeings.
ProG often messes with my mind, and then I suddenly find myself assailed by totally random, often obscure thoughts that cause me to fall behind on my daily writing and artwork goals.
Due to the irresistible lure of the procrastination enzyme that ProG releases throughout my system, my creative genius mind easily gets sidetracked by random doodling and deeply cerebral poetry creation.
Have faith. Trembling, in a moment of despair.
Choosing the heroic path.
Touching, inspiring courage. Spirituality.
Tears streaming down my face. But I survived.
My life is totally worth living.
My deepest wish, actually a fact.
(Next time you find yourself suffering from an attack of ProG, you can see more of my altered book pages in my Channeling the Beat Generation post.)
I sometimes become sidetracked by other cerebral things too…vital, hugely significant things, such as the realization that it’s time to increase the serotonin levels in my brain.
Countless days of being held hostage while ProG sits there doing nothing but chewing away at my cerebral cortex and brain stem, short circuiting whatever intellect or instinct I once had, has left me with very little ability to distinguish reality from fiction.
Always at the top of my gratitude journal is the wonderful fact that the most important part of my brain--the rich, creamy milk chocolate center (caused by repeated serotonin boosts)--is still healthy. Thank you, Jesus!
Once upon a time I had a balanced brain. Today, because of ProG, I am totally unbalanced. No doubt this comes as a complete shock to you because I come across as perfectly normal, as you can tell from all my blog posts. Regrettably, some people no longer even believe I’m a writer or artist because of the long span of time between the completion of my various projects.
The positive news is that being ProG positive means none of my shortcomings are my fault because I am seriously flawed and should be pitied and soothed with compassionate gifts of chocolate, rather than scorned for my lack of focus and failure to meet art and writing goals.
Even while burdened with this crippling brain defect, I’ve been bravely working hard to craft the storyline of my next romance novel. Plotting an entire book, creating believable characters, and writing a great beginning, a middle that doesn’t sag and an amazingly satisfying ending, isn’t easy at the best of times but it’s near impossible when not operating with a fully operational brain stem.
Fortunately, I’m doing okay now. As soon as I finish writing this post I’ll get right back to my manuscript. I promise.
Just as soon as I’m done singing this song.
Now that singing is out of the way, I’m totally ready to work! Where’s that manuscript?
But, you know, I’ve been sitting in this chair for too long and that’s not healthy. I feel the need to…dance! Yeah! Come on…everybody dance! Watusi! Yay!
At least after reading this post, now you fully understand that I, poor, pitiful, unbalanced Super Earthling, am horrendously hindered by this dire genetic brain disorder. Therefore, if I happen to procrastinate, it’s clearly not my fault. You…you do understand, don’t you? … Hello? …
What about you? Have you exhibited signs of ProG? Beware, my friends…if you have a brain you’re at risk! You may have a full-blown case of ProG, or you may be a carrier…or both. When genetic testing for this new discovery becomes available, I’ll let you know right away…right after I sing a song…
--Super Earthling…roger wilco, over and out
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