See Miss Cook. See Mr. Brown. And Important Stuff About Using a Knife.

Never cut an apple that you plan to eat raw with the same knife you just used to slice an onion without washing the knife first.



In case you’re wondering what the stuff about cutting an onion and apple has to do with the image above, the answer is nothing. It’s just a pungent lesson I learned firsthand today, so I thought I’d share it with anyone else who might be a dumbass like me.

--Super Earthling…roger wilco, over and out

The Pain and Heartbreak of When Babies Go Bad

Cute, cuddly, soft, sweet, huggable and adorable…that’s how most people feel about babies. Just look at the typical baby below.

Awwwww…

She’s just had a bath and is all dressed up in a darling little pastel outfit with hand-knitted booties. You can almost smell the baby powder and baby lotion. You can almost hear her gurgling a sweet little “gooooo” just for you. And don’t you just want to wiggle her little toesies and say “cootchie-cootchie-coo” so you can hear her endearing little gush of baby laughter?



But today’s topic is different. It isn’t about rosy-cheeked, cute as pie little dumplings who make mommy and daddy proud. No…this post is about the heartbreak of VBB: Very Bad Babies. I hope to make you aware of this growing problem causing devastation and heartbreak for thousands of families.

Take a long, hard look…if you dare. It won’t be easy. The disturbing photo below reveals a hardcore, badass gang of VBBs. The average person isn’t used to seeing beer-guzzling, cigar-chomping, tribal-tattoo-bearing babies wielding knives and guns, gurgling obscenities and giving grownups the finger as they toddle around in their stinky, poopie diapers--or worse yet, no diapers at all.



I’m sorry. I know that was hard to see. Nobody, least of all the parents of these infant delinquents, wants to admit something so heinous is possible. But it is. And VBB gangs like this are developing rapidly all over the globe.

Why?

Is it because their parents are too busy spending hours on the Internet to care for the needs of these poor, deprived babies? Could it be because their mothers ingested too much chocolate while their babies were still in the womb? Perhaps it’s because of the proliferation of processed foods? Too many video games? Too much TV?

Or is it because people are more worried about vampires and zombies than monster children?

Please, do your civic duty. Pledge to do your part to help find the reasons for this appalling problem so we can stop the population explosion of VBBs before it’s too late!

--Super Earthling…roger wilco, over and out

Big Words about Religion

Have you ever felt perplexed about religion and all the big words that go along with it? Well now you can relax and breathe easier because I’m going to simplify this complex topic for you. After reading this lesson, you’ll be able to converse confidently about religion and will dazzle your audience with your amazing knowledge of big religion words!



Here’s THEOLOGY, expertly used in a sentence: Jane liked theology.
(Editor’s note: Remember to substitute the correct name in place of “Jane” when using these sentences.)



Here’s PIOUS, expertly used in a sentence: Jane was pious.



Here’s DOXOLOGY, expertly used in a sentence: Jane sang a doxology.



Here’s MONASTIC, expertly used in a sentence: Jane was monastic.



Here’s IDOLATRY, expertly used in a sentence: Jane did idolatry.



Here’s SECULAR, expertly used in a sentence: Jane did secular stuff.



Here’s ATHEISM, expertly used in a sentence: Jane did atheism.

In this Super Earthling Life Lesson you vastly improved your vocabulary by learning some big religion words, what they mean and how to adeptly use them in a sentence. Now you are all set to invite friends and family over to have a lively religious debate!

--Super Earthling…roger wilco, over and out

How Chocolate Saved the Wallflower

Even though I’m Super Earthling, I wasn’t popular in grade school. I was taller than most of the boys. I was shy and had zero self-confidence. I didn’t have cool clothes. I was basically a complete dork.

That made me an instant wallflower at coed functions, like the after school dances at the school’s social center. I was always in the last group who were picked to dance. Sometimes I didn’t get asked at all.



Years later I still remember that awkward period and how much it hurt when people made fun of me because I didn’t fit in and wasn’t cool.



There were occasions when I got picked on by a bully while others laughed. It was damn tough being a wallflower on the outside when, on the inside, I believed there was an attractive, likeable, confident, talented girl just waiting to emerge.



While everyone else seemed to have a blast at grade school parties and social functions, I felt tortured inside.



There were times when I thought about the future and just wanted to disappear because I couldn’t imagine years of going through the same shit. Maybe I could run away to someplace where girls like me were cool. Or maybe I could…



Fortunately, my foodie nature intervened, saving me from peril.



And that’s how I became a chocoholic. While being a chocoholic has had its share of problems, including my lifelong career as a yoyo dieter, I will always be grateful to chocolate for helping me to swallow down the pain and discomfort of being a decidedly uncool, unhip kid. Chocolate became my friend, my comforter. Is that psychologically screwed up? Maybe even crazy? Of course it is, but it’s okay because I learned to embrace my inner craziness a long time ago.



By some amazing miracle, I blossomed once I got to high school and became pretty and popular. Not mean girl popular, because I was never a mean girl, especially after knowing what it feels like to get picked on. I was just happy popular--as in I had lots of friends and got asked out on lots of dates and never had to be a wallflower again.

Yes, sure, I was a raging, diehard, card-carrying chocoholic before the age of sixteen, but if one must have a vice, I can’t think of a better one.

In this Super Earthling Life Lesson you learned about the lifesaving properties of chocolate and how becoming a chocoholic at an early age, and stuffing your face with chocolate during times of severe stress, can protect you from all sorts of hurt.

--Super Earthling…roger wilco, over and out